he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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