Texts From Last Night · wildnwired's Favorites

wildnwired's Favorites Texts:

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(315): View more from New York

not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

My god, what have you done?

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(425): View more from Washington

she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

That is awesome that you did that.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.

(320): View more from Minnesota

No shame in my game.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?

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(513): View more from Ohio

While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.

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(425): View more from Washington

OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

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(901): View more from Tennessee

A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party

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(785): View more from Kansas

We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.

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(518): View more from New York

Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.

(480): View more from Arizona

I told you I would

(931): View more from Tennessee

I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend

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(231): View more from Michigan

Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.

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(914): View more from New York

We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.

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(541): View more from Oregon

And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"

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(979): View more from Texas

A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.

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(914): View more from New York

I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken

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(917): View more from New York City

Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday

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(562): View more from California

He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome

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(510): View more from California

Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed

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(706): View more from Georgia

he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(520): View more from Arizona

So you had sex with my brother?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

It's always exciting to touch a new boob.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.

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(559): View more from California

I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.

(1-559): View more from California

Yup.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.

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(607): View more from New York

do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand

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(415): View more from California

how hairy? two words: wookie tits

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk

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(512): View more from Texas

My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering

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(210): View more from Texas

Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad

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(907): View more from Alaska

I've ID'd the nipple biter.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE

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(850): View more from Florida

Are you still giving blowjobs?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Who is this?

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(407): View more from Florida

I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens

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(631): View more from New York

hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go

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(406): View more from Montana

Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.

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(254): View more from Texas

Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.

(254): View more from Texas

Tornado warnings are fun!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking

(1-503): View more from Oregon

I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning

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(931): View more from Tennessee

How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

so you made the shocked face and they caught you.

(571): View more from Virginia

yup.

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(348): View more from

Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...

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(906): View more from Michigan

Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies

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(425): View more from Washington

I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...

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(607): View more from New York

Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..

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(419): View more from Ohio

currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?

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(607): View more from New York

haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night

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(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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(845): View more from New York

I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing

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(328): View more from

im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?

(1-328): View more from

anal.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.

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(248): View more from Michigan

New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.

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(801): View more from Utah

She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Drinking in an igloo changes everything.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...

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(770): View more from Georgia

Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.

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(626): View more from California

What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?

(1-626): View more from California

You have mice?

(626): View more from California

no why?

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(512): View more from Texas

If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

(818): View more from California

Punch her baby.

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(602): View more from Arizona

my dad is going to jail this weekend

(1-602): View more from Arizona

where are we going to get our weed from?

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(909): View more from California

yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face

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(727): View more from Florida

Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?

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(765): View more from Indiana

Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic

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(703): View more from Virginia

The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."

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(703): View more from Virginia

She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.

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(469): View more from Texas

Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.

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(541): View more from Oregon

bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?

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(480): View more from Arizona

This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...

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(312): View more from Illinois

Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...

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(469): View more from Texas

you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Glad to see your being a lady about this

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.

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(333): View more from

im calling her cock vulture from now on

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

somebody snuck up and got me drunk

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(915): View more from Texas

Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up

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(510): View more from California

I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

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(650): View more from California

oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'

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(415): View more from California

handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond

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(214): View more from Texas

One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.

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(954): View more from Florida

Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous

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(828): View more from North Carolina

i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed

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(802): View more from Vermont

i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.

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(707): View more from California

She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned

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(407): View more from Florida

i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?

(318): View more from Louisiana

Alcohol?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Sex with a fat chick.

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(312): View more from Illinois

She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!

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(360): View more from Washington

i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man

(206): View more from Washington

?

(360): View more from Washington

he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?

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(303): View more from Colorado

im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

that was a mass text, wasnt it?

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(206): View more from Washington

My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..

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(571): View more from Virginia

capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.

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(805): View more from California

why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??

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(254): View more from Texas

I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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(909): View more from California

I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?

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(+45): View more from Denmark

Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.

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(646): View more from New York

It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

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(812): View more from Indiana

according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..

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(805): View more from California

they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate

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(801): View more from Utah

Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.

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(619): View more from California

Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?

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(540): View more from Virginia

Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?

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(210): View more from Texas

My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.

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(253): View more from Washington

The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid

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(863): View more from Florida

Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.

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(312): View more from Illinois

This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?

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(317): View more from Indiana

eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.

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(618): View more from Illinois

i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great

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(801): View more from Utah

so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.

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(904): View more from Florida

He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".

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(626): View more from California

Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple

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(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children

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(330): View more from Ohio

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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(214): View more from Texas

Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?

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(573): View more from Missouri

Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.

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(214): View more from Texas

your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.

(1-214): View more from Texas

we're not divorced.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm not a mortal combat character

(410): View more from Maryland

but my vagina is

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(+91): View more from India

Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.

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(513): View more from Ohio

wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

how could i say no?

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(541): View more from Oregon

I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Di me a solid and hit me with your car.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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(516): View more from New York

why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job

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(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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(714): View more from California

So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.

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(614): View more from Ohio

she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.

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(846): View more from

he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you

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(248): View more from Michigan

Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)

(540): View more from Virginia

awesome babe! drinks tonight!

(703): View more from Virginia

Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.

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(214): View more from Texas

She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.

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(917): View more from New York City

omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.

(310): View more from California

wait, who's paul?

(917): View more from New York City

exactly.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.

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(213): View more from California

she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies

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(240): View more from Maryland

Banned from zoo.

(301): View more from Maryland

Again?

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(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off

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(609): View more from New Jersey

friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.

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(323): View more from California

WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs

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(518): View more from New York

I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you

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(425): View more from Washington

My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.

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(909): View more from California

if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids

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(612): View more from Minnesota

hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good

(651): View more from Minnesota

who is this?

(612): View more from Minnesota

jesse's little brother

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(408): View more from California

She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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(614): View more from Ohio

He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.

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(903): View more from Texas

Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on

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(480): View more from Arizona

I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.

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(513): View more from Ohio

what's Bukake?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

a bad idea.

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(614): View more from Ohio

she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style

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(661): View more from California

Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.

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(404): View more from Georgia

So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?

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(520): View more from Arizona

she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time

(1-763): View more from Minnesota

Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.

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(518): View more from New York

I hraet yuo

(862): View more from New Jersey

did you say you heart me or hate me?

(518): View more from New York

who is this?

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(520): View more from Arizona

She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.

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(773): View more from Illinois

My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

didn't stop?

(773): View more from Illinois

naw, they were rude, not me.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You love popeyes more than me

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?

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(209): View more from California

is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?

(1-209): View more from California

yes...dear jesus what did you do?

(209): View more from California

bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.

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(206): View more from Washington

She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.

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(734): View more from Michigan

im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think my fart just growled at me.

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(305): View more from Florida

What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.

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(541): View more from Oregon

She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now

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(636): View more from Missouri

It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My first STD was from a foam party

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(972): View more from Texas

I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"

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(954): View more from Florida

My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him

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(+49): View more from Germany

The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?

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(650): View more from California

Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.

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(+39): View more from

my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.

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(315): View more from New York

I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.

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(469): View more from Texas

I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?

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(989): View more from Michigan

in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.

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(845): View more from New York

weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.

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(847): View more from Illinois

there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...

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(573): View more from Missouri

Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it

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(660): View more from Missouri

We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out

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(305): View more from Florida

you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd

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(850): View more from Florida

some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not

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(360): View more from Washington

You know you think of me naked too

(210): View more from Texas

Not since I found Jesus

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(951): View more from California

We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.

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(301): View more from Maryland

dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow

(410): View more from Maryland

so basically your not goin out tonight?

(301): View more from Maryland

who said that?

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(856): View more from New Jersey

its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i have a dinosaur tramp stamp

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(408): View more from California

ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me

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(312): View more from Illinois

My room smells like vodka and shame

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(801): View more from Utah

Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes

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(314): View more from Missouri

He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.

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(727): View more from Florida

Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it was like getting a handjob from robocop

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(919): View more from North Carolina

She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.

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(641): View more from Iowa

she has no idea who harrison ford is.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s

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(631): View more from New York

If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.

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(317): View more from Indiana

wrigley field is MILF paradise

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(734): View more from Michigan

Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

How did the beer even get there in the first place?

(734): View more from Michigan

That's not what's important right now

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places

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(323): View more from California

She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.

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(802): View more from Vermont

he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".

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(587): View more from Alberta

Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea

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(416): View more from Toronto

sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.

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(785): View more from Kansas

whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick

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(226): View more from Ontario

can you blame him?

(519): View more from Ontario

i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT

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(614): View more from Ohio

All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave

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(253): View more from Washington

You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(937): View more from Ohio

also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...

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(315): View more from New York

I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.

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(716): View more from New York

You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic

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(805): View more from California

a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot

(818): View more from California

god is laughing at you again

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(631): View more from New York

Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?

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(636): View more from Missouri

It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.

(314): View more from Missouri

Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Update, blind date is cute and fun.

(248): View more from Michigan

Scratch that, blind date just threw up.

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(858): View more from California

There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.

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(616): View more from Michigan

The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.

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(801): View more from Utah

If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.

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(503): View more from Oregon

it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.

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(310): View more from California

...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.

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(516): View more from New York

If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.

(505): View more from New Mexico

The Rock won.

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(248): View more from Michigan

ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.

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(417): View more from Missouri

He has such a weird drunk-voice.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

dude, he's deaf.

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(323): View more from California

At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed

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(206): View more from Washington

dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.

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(951): View more from California

This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.

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(785): View more from Kansas

a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class

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(480): View more from Arizona

hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar

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(415): View more from California

My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy

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(605): View more from South Dakota

So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?

(720): View more from Colorado

This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.

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(386): View more from Florida

That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.

(954): View more from Florida

Apparently hers is a theme park.

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(407): View more from Florida

me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.

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(631): View more from New York

She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina

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(501): View more from Arkansas

he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???

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(817): View more from Texas

why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?

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(330): View more from Ohio

when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk

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(631): View more from New York

the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'

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(303): View more from Colorado

I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

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(433): View more from

There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables

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(757): View more from Virginia

So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.

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(925): View more from California

i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on

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(407): View more from Florida

And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy

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(845): View more from New York

her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.

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(646): View more from New York

I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.

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(850): View more from Florida

We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.

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(530): View more from California

the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

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(843): View more from South Carolina

She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.

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(269): View more from Michigan

its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"

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(706): View more from Georgia

i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"

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(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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(804): View more from Virginia

i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life

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(909): View more from California

good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant

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(248): View more from Michigan

yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss

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(862): View more from New Jersey

he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"

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(925): View more from California

I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(850): View more from Florida

TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!

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(916): View more from California

I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk

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(302): View more from Delaware

Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.

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(516): View more from New York

do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day

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(905): View more from Ontario

They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?

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(315): View more from New York

careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....

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(605): View more from South Dakota

For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.

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(281): View more from Texas

Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.

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(773): View more from Illinois

grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?

(1-334): View more from Alabama

You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.

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(516): View more from New York

Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars

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(214): View more from Texas

I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Did we use protection last night?

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

Um, no...keep in touch, okay?

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(905): View more from Ontario

i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night

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(225): View more from Louisiana

were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes

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(828): View more from North Carolina

proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

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(512): View more from Texas

I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...

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(316): View more from Kansas

So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses

(1-316): View more from Kansas

That sounds dangerous

(316): View more from Kansas

Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.

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(813): View more from Florida

If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure

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(250): View more from British Columbia

If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

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(586): View more from Michigan

She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers

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(860): View more from Connecticut

There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it

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(210): View more from Texas

Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.

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(904): View more from Florida

We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese

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(631): View more from New York

did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??

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(770): View more from Georgia

cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton

(1-770): View more from Georgia

i said paris hilton

(770): View more from Georgia

thats even worse

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.

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(512): View more from Texas

We need a plan...

(1-512): View more from Texas

Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.

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(718): View more from New York

Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.

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(210): View more from Texas

cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.

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(510): View more from California

You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.

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(847): View more from Illinois

On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day

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(619): View more from California

Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??

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(440): View more from Ohio

I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him

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(478): View more from Georgia

So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis

(410): View more from Maryland

Sounds like a really classy character....

(478): View more from Georgia

He is classy. It was argyle.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Pants 0. Shit 1.

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(+32): View more from Belgium

this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(804): View more from Virginia

you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth

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(805): View more from California

I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge

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(315): View more from New York

i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Can i come over

(240): View more from Maryland

After you called me a desperate slut? No

(240): View more from Maryland

Come over

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds

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(936): View more from Texas

what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.

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(757): View more from Virginia

1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat

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(410): View more from Maryland

I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.

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(708): View more from Illinois

i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life

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(562): View more from California

I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.

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(510): View more from California

I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...

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(336): View more from North Carolina

walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.

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(516): View more from New York

My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Girls should come with a carfax report

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Don't tempt me, I need beer money.

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(925): View more from California

just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.

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(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea

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(817): View more from Texas

After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.

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(845): View more from New York

I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.

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(812): View more from Indiana

So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions

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(954): View more from Florida

Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.

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(209): View more from California

I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.

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(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

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(425): View more from Washington

This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...

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(214): View more from Texas

don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"

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(714): View more from California

i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day

(619): View more from California

ahah at least you got away with it

(714): View more from California

nope...my gran was the one who informed me

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(323): View more from California

Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?

(1-323): View more from California

We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?

(323): View more from California

Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.

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(563): View more from Iowa

i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...

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(917): View more from New York City

I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas

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(480): View more from Arizona

she looked like the bat from fern gully.

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(647): View more from Ontario

She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.

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(347): View more from New York

A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm

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(706): View more from Georgia

saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal

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(631): View more from New York

lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon

(1-631): View more from New York

wow.

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(386): View more from Florida

Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.

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(850): View more from Florida

i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once

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(954): View more from Florida

Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

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(917): View more from New York City

I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

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(740): View more from Ohio

well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."

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(512): View more from Texas

So....maintenance found the bullethole.....

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(541): View more from Oregon

I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.

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(630): View more from Illinois

The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.

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(303): View more from Colorado

there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome

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(512): View more from Texas

You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.

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(315): View more from New York

MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!

(315): View more from New York

AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell

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