Texts From Last Night · kristynnoelle1's Favorites

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kristynnoelle1's Favorites Texts:

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

8===D

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.

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(714): View more from California

im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.

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(214): View more from Texas

Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.

(1-214): View more from Texas

I love you.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

God you're perfect.

(303): View more from Colorado

I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.

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(330): View more from Ohio

She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?

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(207): View more from Maine

I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.

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(509): View more from Washington

Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.

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(334): View more from Alabama

My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?

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(707): View more from California

I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..

(707): View more from California

WOAH TOO HIGH

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(541): View more from Oregon

It's like the blind leading the senile over here.

(541): View more from Oregon

UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?

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(424): View more from California

I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.

(479): View more from Arkansas

This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor

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(607): View more from New York

I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.

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(516): View more from New York

Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA

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(541): View more from Oregon

I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests

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(303): View more from Colorado

You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.

(1-770): View more from Georgia

You're a good friend.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.

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(660): View more from Missouri

On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.

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(512): View more from Texas

The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning

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(731): View more from Tennessee

She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?

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(419): View more from Ohio

She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.

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(480): View more from Arizona

We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.

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(845): View more from New York

It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.

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(315): View more from New York

she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS

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(516): View more from New York

I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me

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(541): View more from Oregon

they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(212): View more from New York

She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.

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(205): View more from Alabama

High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?

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(207): View more from Maine

Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.

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(646): View more from New York

its my first week of college and i have a UTI

(718): View more from New York

not easy being a whore now is it

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?

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(563): View more from Iowa

My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.

(1-563): View more from Iowa

I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read

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(970): View more from Colorado

From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"

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(614): View more from Ohio

The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon

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(661): View more from California

He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.

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(678): View more from Georgia

It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep

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(585): View more from New York

Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.

(1-585): View more from New York

How high are you?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.

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(209): View more from California

High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.

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(512): View more from Texas

She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.

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(310): View more from California

I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

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(415): View more from California

Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?

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(585): View more from New York

You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.

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(561): View more from Florida

She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.

(315): View more from New York

How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??

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(602): View more from Arizona

All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you

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(410): View more from Maryland

WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN

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(813): View more from Florida

Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.

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(850): View more from Florida

Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.

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(585): View more from New York

So stoned i forgot i was in bed

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.

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(646): View more from New York

I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.

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(386): View more from Florida

I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed

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(325): View more from Texas

I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?

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(440): View more from Ohio

no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night

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(207): View more from Maine

When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.

(1-207): View more from Maine

That's not what Jesus is for

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(310): View more from California

Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.

(301): View more from Maryland

Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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(516): View more from New York

Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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(516): View more from New York

onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

(443): View more from Maryland

he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

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(575): View more from New Mexico

It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.

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(510): View more from California

Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.

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(682): View more from Texas

Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This ER has an aquarium in it!!!

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(630): View more from Illinois

There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now

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(512): View more from Texas

We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."

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(303): View more from Colorado

You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

what type of emt are you

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...

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(816): View more from Missouri

If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU

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(408): View more from California

My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.

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(314): View more from Missouri

He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.

(636): View more from Missouri

Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Big girls don't cry they get day drunk

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...

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(231): View more from Michigan

A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.

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(509): View more from Washington

I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.

(609): View more from New Jersey

That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?

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(951): View more from California

I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.

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(917): View more from New York City

KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.

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(210): View more from Texas

You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'

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(512): View more from Texas

I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Drink for every country you've never heard of.

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuuuuuuuuuck

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(312): View more from Illinois

Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.

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(913): View more from Kansas

This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity

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(248): View more from Michigan

Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.

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(807): View more from Ontario

It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right

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(479): View more from Arkansas

When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.

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(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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(516): View more from New York

Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.

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(213): View more from California

your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.

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(941): View more from Florida

its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.

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(620): View more from Kansas

He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

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(805): View more from California

OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.

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(254): View more from Texas

that's what penises do

(254): View more from Texas

they tell lies.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.

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(630): View more from Illinois

This is a rough morning for me

(577): View more from

No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.

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(631): View more from New York

The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.

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(002): View more from

There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink

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(605): View more from South Dakota

captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut

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(209): View more from California

I will pee on everything he values.

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(213): View more from California

If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out

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(513): View more from Ohio

Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

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(214): View more from Texas

You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.

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(914): View more from New York

I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Here's my first problem: I'm drunk

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(240): View more from Maryland

okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.

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(435): View more from Utah

If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.

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(478): View more from Georgia

I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.

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(253): View more from Washington

I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH

(360): View more from Washington

Yes

(253): View more from Washington

O.K.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth

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(626): View more from California

I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Sorry my hands just texted you

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(913): View more from Kansas

My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend

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(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

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(240): View more from Maryland

SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.

(303): View more from Colorado

Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?

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(450): View more from Quebec

She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...

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(352): View more from Florida

The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.

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(281): View more from Texas

Dinner?

(713): View more from Texas

YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.

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(765): View more from Indiana

You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.

(574): View more from Indiana

No I didn't. Whiskey did.

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(807): View more from Ontario

My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.

(1-807): View more from Ontario

I don't see the problem

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...

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(847): View more from Illinois

YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU

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(952): View more from Minnesota

High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.

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(607): View more from New York

I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.

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(716): View more from New York

The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny

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(519): View more from Ontario

All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.

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(516): View more from New York

I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.

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(530): View more from California

At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out

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(909): View more from California

I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.

(1-909): View more from California

Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas

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(772): View more from Florida

You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.

(480): View more from Arizona

I told you I would

(931): View more from Tennessee

I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend

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(478): View more from Georgia

Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend

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(941): View more from Florida

I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting

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(303): View more from Colorado

I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.

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(516): View more from New York

I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Stop whining I left you with whiskey

(224): View more from Illinois

YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do

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(863): View more from Florida

So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.

(1-863): View more from Florida

You're a fucking train wreck.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?

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(626): View more from California

Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.

(1-626): View more from California

This is why you don't have nice things.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back

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(315): View more from New York

The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.

(712): View more from Iowa

What's an angry pirate?

(702): View more from Nevada

You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

IT'S SUMMA TIME

(907): View more from Alaska

ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

THEY'RE THE SAME THING

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(786): View more from Florida

If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok

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(775): View more from Nevada

Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.

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(852): View more from

I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..

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(301): View more from Maryland

FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.

(727): View more from Florida

MAS TEQUILA.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus

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(252): View more from North Carolina

We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"

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(734): View more from Michigan

When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.

(1-740): View more from Ohio

When in doubt always reply with bacon.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.

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(310): View more from California

We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina

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(716): View more from New York

Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?

(585): View more from New York

Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.

(716): View more from New York

.......

(585): View more from New York

I'm just looking out for you.

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(210): View more from Texas

Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm pregnant.

(1-407): View more from Florida

The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???

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(402): View more from Nebraska

We're going to catch a squirrel this summer

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(253): View more from Washington

don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor

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(208): View more from Idaho

And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?

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(323): View more from California

I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward

(213): View more from California

There's a lil minaj in everyone

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(360): View more from Washington

Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.

(360): View more from Washington

It was me.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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(616): View more from Michigan

EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.

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(239): View more from Florida

Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

I'm out of town so we should be golden.

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(365): View more from

As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.

(1-365): View more from

I was judging you.

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(303): View more from Colorado

They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Did it work?

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.

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(214): View more from Texas

Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?

(281): View more from Texas

If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.

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(406): View more from Montana

I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.

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(903): View more from Texas

All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.

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(360): View more from Washington

thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.

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(619): View more from California

Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.

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(925): View more from California

All I want is tacobeell and your body

(1-925): View more from California

that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.

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(707): View more from California

is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??

(408): View more from California

your beer goggles are on backwards.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people

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(248): View more from Michigan

No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.

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(989): View more from Michigan

walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister

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(240): View more from Maryland

Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.

(434): View more from Virginia

Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.

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(614): View more from Ohio

This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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(081): View more from

KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!

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(701): View more from North Dakota

nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

walking out with herpes. that would be worse

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(815): View more from Illinois

You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

Best Friends For Life.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.

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(407): View more from Florida

I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage

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(253): View more from Washington

There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this

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(913): View more from Kansas

Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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(210): View more from Texas

It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.

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(406): View more from Montana

It was just a squirrel

(253): View more from Washington

You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar

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(207): View more from Maine

traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.

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(253): View more from Washington

i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down

(253): View more from Washington

ppsyche im wasted where are you

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(775): View more from Nevada

He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend

(1-775): View more from Nevada

I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman

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(206): View more from Washington

What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

(425): View more from Washington

Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.

(507): View more from Minnesota

Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka

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(440): View more from Ohio

I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(281): View more from Texas

Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt

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(515): View more from Iowa

Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.

(763): View more from Minnesota

I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.

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(917): View more from New York City

Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I could have done it in 2

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Do what your heart wants. . .

(504): View more from Louisiana

My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis

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(219): View more from Indiana

I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.

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(515): View more from Iowa

you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny

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(248): View more from Michigan

Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.

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(408): View more from California

She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety

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(520): View more from Arizona

you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.

(224): View more from Illinois

Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.

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