Texts From Last Night · alexisclarks4c's Favorites

alexisclarks4c's Favorites Texts:

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(519): View more from Ontario

he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes

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(519): View more from Ontario

Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.

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(519): View more from Ontario

he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it

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(519): View more from Ontario

He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

(604): View more from British Columbia

HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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(519): View more from Ontario

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.

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(519): View more from Ontario

ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.

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(519): View more from Ontario

We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?

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(519): View more from Ontario

DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?

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(519): View more from Ontario

Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.

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(519): View more from Ontario

he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job

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(519): View more from Ontario

Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now

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(519): View more from Ontario

Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous

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(519): View more from Ontario

It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.

(519): View more from Ontario

If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.

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(519): View more from Ontario

dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.

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(519): View more from Ontario

so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?

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(519): View more from Ontario

Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.

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(519): View more from Ontario

what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?

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(519): View more from Ontario

and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.

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(519): View more from Ontario

she's naming her girl london marie

(519): View more from Ontario

that kid will be born with a tramp stamp

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(519): View more from Ontario

I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke

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(519): View more from Ontario

i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.

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(519): View more from Ontario

why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?

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(519): View more from Ontario

I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest

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(519): View more from Ontario

You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.

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(226): View more from Ontario

can you blame him?

(519): View more from Ontario

i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT

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(519): View more from Ontario

who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line

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(519): View more from Ontario

oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again

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(519): View more from Ontario

Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.

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(519): View more from Ontario

oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.

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(519): View more from Ontario

We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I'm down.

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(519): View more from Ontario

turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.

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(519): View more from Ontario

All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.

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(519): View more from Ontario

she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.

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(519): View more from Ontario

this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep

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(519): View more from Ontario

While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.

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(519): View more from Ontario

When you wake up, I have rum and am in town

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(519): View more from Ontario

wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant

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(519): View more from Ontario

Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.

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(519): View more from Ontario

duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.

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(519): View more from Ontario

just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..

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(519): View more from Ontario

I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".

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(519): View more from Ontario

When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own

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(519): View more from Ontario

so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...

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(519): View more from Ontario

So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have a critically important question to ask.

(519): View more from Ontario

Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?

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(519): View more from Ontario

how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(519): View more from Ontario

all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"

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(519): View more from Ontario

I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick

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(519): View more from Ontario

You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(416): View more from Toronto

Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order

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(905): View more from Ontario

He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer

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(519): View more from Ontario

we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"

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(905): View more from Ontario

i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

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(416): View more from Ontario

is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??

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(416): View more from Toronto

Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.

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(519): View more from Ontario

dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.

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(519): View more from Ontario

We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on

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(416): View more from Toronto

Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?

(416): View more from Toronto

Better looking than her though please.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes

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(416): View more from Ontario

but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it

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(519): View more from Ontario

Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.

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(519): View more from Ontario

mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing

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(416): View more from Toronto

The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.

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(905): View more from Ontario

She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris

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(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

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(519): View more from Ontario

due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...

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(905): View more from Ontario

he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?

(1-905): View more from Toronto

i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood

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(416): View more from Toronto

She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.

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(416): View more from Toronto

he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...

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(519): View more from Ontario

Clothes are such an inconvenience.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?

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(905): View more from Toronto

I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.

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(416): View more from Toronto

No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech

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(519): View more from Ontario

was it more than 30 minutes?

(416): View more from Ontario

ya

(519): View more from Ontario

then you're in a relationship

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(416): View more from Ontario

I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.

(1-416): View more from Ontario

u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u

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(519): View more from Ontario

i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??

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(870): View more from Arkansas

You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"

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(905): View more from Ontario

Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.

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(416): View more from Ontario

she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes

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(905): View more from Ontario

He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.

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(905): View more from Ontario

The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(519): View more from Ontario

I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.

(519): View more from Ontario

She did the bend and snap...

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(519): View more from Ontario

her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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(519): View more from Ontario

Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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(519): View more from Ontario

I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"

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(519): View more from Ontario

dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes

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(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

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alexisclarks4c's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

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