Texts From Last Night · CoraRainebow's Favorites

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"

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(707): View more from California

fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night

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(734): View more from Michigan

this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

8===D

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.

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(728): View more from

and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'

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(718): View more from New York

Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.

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(315): View more from New York

Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video

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(813): View more from Florida

Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is

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(205): View more from Alabama

I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.

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(661): View more from California

Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free

(502): View more from Kentucky

Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.

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(631): View more from New York

Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Help everyone's hot

(410): View more from Maryland

Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH

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(714): View more from California

HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again

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(440): View more from Ohio

My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?

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(561): View more from Florida

Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...

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(913): View more from Kansas

The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"

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(425): View more from Washington

Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk

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(760): View more from California

I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.

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(850): View more from Florida

Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.

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(302): View more from Delaware

apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.

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(720): View more from Colorado

New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up

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(585): View more from New York

You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….

(716): View more from New York

...Then...

(585): View more from New York

Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!

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(615): View more from Tennessee

If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...

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(418): View more from Quebec

Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her

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(616): View more from Michigan

do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.

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(330): View more from Ohio

my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark

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(207): View more from Maine

There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?

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(503): View more from Oregon

A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket

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(818): View more from California

She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Shit is preposterous

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian

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(305): View more from Florida

The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.

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(517): View more from Michigan

These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.

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(360): View more from Washington

Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.

(360): View more from Washington

It was me.

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(802): View more from Vermont

You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester

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(515): View more from Iowa

I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Drugs are gluten free tho, right?

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(567): View more from Ohio

i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand

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(917): View more from New York City

She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them

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(972): View more from Texas

I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities

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(772): View more from Florida

To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.

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(239): View more from Florida

I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural

(407): View more from Florida

YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT

(239): View more from Florida

..........

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you

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(734): View more from Michigan

My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.

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(360): View more from Washington

If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.

(503): View more from Oregon

Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!

(360): View more from Washington

A cheater.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine

(1-952): View more from Minnesota

I just got chills

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(415): View more from California

So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.

(415): View more from California

She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.

(270): View more from Kentucky

No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.

(618): View more from Illinois

Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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(813): View more from Florida

Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket

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(949): View more from California

I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet

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(613): View more from Ontario

You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I round house kicked her emotions in the face

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(337): View more from Louisiana

He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"

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(812): View more from Indiana

This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Why are you speaking in third person?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.

(703): View more from Virginia

The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."

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(805): View more from California

I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.

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(770): View more from Georgia

You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?

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(386): View more from Florida

I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."

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(801): View more from Utah

I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.

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(713): View more from Texas

She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.

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(314): View more from Missouri

New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?

(913): View more from Kansas

I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.

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(661): View more from California

We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.

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(281): View more from Texas

Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.

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(613): View more from Ontario

IM WEARING A FLAG

(1-613): View more from Ontario

So that's a no to the clothes then

(613): View more from Ontario

FLAG

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(240): View more from Maryland

I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.

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(330): View more from Ohio

easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL

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(218): View more from Minnesota

We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK

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(907): View more from Alaska

You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore are you.

(301): View more from Maryland

Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes.

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(478): View more from Georgia

I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."

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(727): View more from Florida

Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.

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(410): View more from Maryland

It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.

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(574): View more from Indiana

IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.

(971): View more from Oregon

YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.

(574): View more from Indiana

NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?

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(512): View more from Texas

Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.

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(760): View more from California

Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you

(1-240): View more from Maryland

Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina

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(516): View more from New York

Come through the front door when you get here.

(1-516): View more from New York

Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.

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(289): View more from Ontario

In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.

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(913): View more from Kansas

He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away

(781): View more from Massachusetts

i think i might be a female sloth

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(330): View more from Ohio

apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride

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(954): View more from Florida

Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall

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(253): View more from Washington

If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

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(765): View more from Indiana

google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..

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(407): View more from Florida

Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.

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(940): View more from Texas

Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..

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(843): View more from South Carolina

In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.

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(+45): View more from Denmark

Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?

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(515): View more from Iowa

I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month

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(256): View more from Alabama

I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.

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(361): View more from Texas

WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?

(903): View more from Texas

I would peed on everything

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(541): View more from Oregon

I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue

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(909): View more from California

While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."

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(773): View more from Illinois

And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

That's my new pick up line call me a polish name

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(801): View more from Utah

You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?

(650): View more from California

I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.

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(425): View more from Washington

'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Would you like season tickets to my vagina?

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Locking that text forever.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.

(848): View more from New Jersey

A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.

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(779): View more from Illinois

I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs

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(734): View more from Michigan

It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."

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(360): View more from Washington

A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.

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(916): View more from California

BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you

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(231): View more from Michigan

Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...

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(510): View more from California

yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

Why did you want to do any of that?

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.

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(818): View more from California

I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving

(1-818): View more from California

At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.

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(904): View more from Florida

You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis

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(303): View more from Colorado

My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.

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(712): View more from Iowa

You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.

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(206): View more from Washington

Who showers for four hours?!

(760): View more from California

It was like a tropical nap.

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(714): View more from California

Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.

(951): View more from California

Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you

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(212): View more from New York

At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for

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(216): View more from Ohio

blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester

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(334): View more from Alabama

FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(925): View more from California

Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you

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