I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
