Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
