She is in my trunk
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
This is my gift to your gina
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
