Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
