I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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