Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
