people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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