Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
