I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
