Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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