Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
