The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
