she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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