i need an iv and a liver transplant
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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