If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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