I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
