got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
