i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
