I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
