Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I am available for nakedness
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
