yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
