when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
