This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
