in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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