if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
