he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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