She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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