You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
The air taste purple.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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