my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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