Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
