Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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