All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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