I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Is Oprah even human
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
