Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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