Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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