I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
