He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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