I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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