Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
