your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You can't motorboat a personality
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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