Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
