A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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