Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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