Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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