so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
