we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
