no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
