Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
